The Uncertain Lovestory

Let’s get this straight. We have been programmed to believe only a certain kind of love stories are the best ones. And let’s not get into what the Porn Industry does to your sex life. It’s a lot of pressure you put on yourself and your partner and expecting anything near to that can make you feel lost and doubt your relationship.

I have been in a relationship with a guy from past 2 and a half years. I lived with this guy for a year and a half and trust me the one thing that was always on my mind was to poison him to death for all the lameness he showed. I would be all romantic and sensuous and he would give me a blank look or just do something that I wouldn’t have expected. Like a master, I would try to train my dog to do what I expect and he would waggingly do the exact opposite. In the middle of all this, he made sure I paid all my bills on time. He made sure I had food on time. He made sure I took my medicines and would even put alarms to remind me of them. Often my phone would start beeping in the middle of an important meeting and I would come home and bash him for being such a jerk.

There are somethings he admire in me and somethings that he dislike and he doesn’t shirk from telling them to me on and off whenever I showcase them. I can calm him down just by being all jumpy and playful with a happy smile on my face. That is enough to sweep him off the floor and he would just forget what was bothering him. I wish I could say the same about him. But, once in a while he makes sure I breakdown over things that keep bothering me and just let the stress flow out with my tears.

The last few days together with him were a pain in the ass. All because he was searching for a job and I was working on my thesis for what felt like eternity. That was when I wanted him to just go away from my life. It felt like I was living through 2 major stresses. He left to stay in Michigan and the time he was leaving, I didn’t even say Goodbye. Although we have been seeing each other at regular intervals, but for all I know things are not the same like they used to be.

There are time when I feel like saying “I love you” but he won’t and there are times when he will and I won’t. We have been questioning ourselves if we want to get married to each other. I have told my family about him, only so that they won’t bother me with questions on marriage for a little more time. He hasn’t told his family about me because he is unsure of what his parents will say, or maybe there is something else on his mind.

There are uncertainties, like will there be a time when both of us will be together once again. Because only if that happens we can think of starting a family together. In between all this, there is always a part of me which just wants to snap away from everything because it’s too stressful to think of and make things happen the way you want them to. Over the past couple of meetings we had, I realized what was going wrong in our relationship. We both are just scared we might never end up together. We are scared that the wait will never end and if we have to end our relationship because of long distance, we will have to start all over again with someone new.